Friday, February 13, 2009

I Wanted You

Okay, this is different. Instead of posting an article or an essay I am posting a prose that I recently wrote. It has taken me a long time (well a few years) to not only make this decision, but to come to terms with the decision that had to be made. Considering my age and the fact that I have no one in my life (romantically) coupled with having a chronic illness such as Meniere's disease, I could only see things one way. When I was a teen I wanted to have enough children to field my own baseball team. Then as time went on I was willing to settle for a volleyball team. (Yeah, I know, I was a bit of a tomboy) As I strolled further into my thirties I was resolved to bear a mixed doubles tennis team. Now in my mid-forties and as I said having Meniere's I have made the painful decision of never having children.

Painful doesn't even begin to cover what I actually feel. There is an emptiness and hollow feeling deep inside that I know will never be filled. I reminisce about the daydreams I used to have of bringing children into this world and caring for them and giving them the love a parent (especially a mother) should. Giving them what I never received from my mother. Teaching them to love everyone no matter the color of their skin or the religion they practiced. I longed to watch my children develop into men and women who would make a difference in this world and follow their dreams to the end of the rainbow. Well, many tears and moments of despair have finally brought a tiny pin prick of those feelings into verse.

I Wanted You

Looking deep
deep inside
searching for
your face
Once seen clearly
now just a
shadow of a
past that could have been

There is longing
a longing never to be filled
realizing you
will never be there
never will joy sing
with a kick or a turn
excitement is stifled
to never feel your growth

Arms meant to hold
breasts set to suckle
these lay dormant
dormant and still
desire, need, hunger
my being is empty
empty and hollow
never to be satisfied.

February 9, 2009


Kimala said...

Parker -
My heart aches and breaks for you as I read your poem and your thoughts. I hope someday you'd consider the option to adopt and care for a child or children. I can't imagine how challenging that would be with your health issues - but still - you have so much to offer and so much love to give. So many children grow up in a world without that - and you could give that to them. You never know too - how much happiness can help heal - never make your illness go away - but at least help you forget about some of it for a while.

We love you so much. Take care of yourself and know you are in our thoughts :)


Crighton Johin said...

Parker, first off, your poem was beautiful...and heartbreaking. I think it's incredible....brought tears to my eyes.

As far as what's behind it, it's so hard to deal with disappointment. I had so many ideas of how I thought my life would be, and lately, I feel like a complete loser. I know that is not true, but I still feel that way from time to time.

Sometimes we have to let go of what we want and move on. Sometimes it shows up then and sometimes not. Your poem expresses your feeling beautifully, and that is important. To express.