Monday, August 3, 2009

Crushed Dreams

You may remember back in February I posted I Wanted You. This was a poem that I wrote while coming to terms with not being able to have children. Recently I have had a lot of things going on with me. Mid June the grommets in my ears which had held me in a remission state, or as my doctor put "well controlled", decided to eject themselves a month early and threw me into a tailspin. During this time we also discovered that I have a new trigger ~ the wonderful weather that I love so much in East Tennessee. The doctor replaced the grommets with ones that should last about two years (YIPPIE!!!!). While getting back my sea legs back following this I decided to attend a couple classes put on by the Knoxville Writer's Guild (KWG). I did pretty good except being told in no uncertain terms that the so-called publisher that released my book should not be called a publisher at all. I also had more people who should know, telling me I should give up on the dream I have of writing for a living in the manner I have been dreaming of and should just get a regular job.

I was discouraged. I quit writing. I have been out of work since October 31, 2008. I am the only one paying my bills. I have no one to turn to to help me with these bills. Currently I am living on my small inheritance I received after my father died 2007. I did the math (some of you know how good my math skills are) and if I am very good, I will exist a few more months and then no more. What further discouraged me was reading on Facebook and Twitter the status updates of those I know and they were posting their "Woe is me" status' and how wretched their jobs and families. They have jobs. They have families who will make sure they do not go hungry. Some are in school to further their education. Yeah, they have it rough.

Another thing looming and causing me pain was my impeding 44th birthday. Getting old and having nothing to show for it has done a number on me. But the worst part that everything went back to was no children and not being able to have them. A few people know why this is. Fewer know why this is devastating to me. I made the conscious decision not to have children due to having Meniere's Disease. My thoughts toward this decision are regarding the possibility of no longer being 'well controlled'. Since being a girl is one of my triggers I stand the chance that the increased hormonal activity will once again thrust me into the fiery breath of this dreaded dragon I have been battling for five years. If this happens the possibility of my having drop attacks would increase and therefore the possibility of my having one while pregnant or while carrying the baby after birth and possibly killing the child. I cannot put anyone in that situation especially my own baby.

After coming to this decision and posting I Wanted You, many have told me I could always adopt. This statement has only served to bring me even more pain. Adoption is an option of course. However, I was raised to be a mama. I would daydream about it endlessly as far back as junior high. I didn't just daydream about having a baby in my arms, I dreamt of being pregnant and actually giving birth. I always wanted to field my own softball team. Yes, I wanted at least ten babies all by natural childbirth. I did not dream only of the 'romantic' side of having children. I longed and yearned for every aspect of being a mother. This is the dream that has been crushed for me that is the hardest for me to fully accept and move beyond. In June I wrote another poem still trying to deal with this. I cried over every line and every word but could not fix a title for it. I read it at my Wednesday Writer's Circle and asked assistance from those who heard. The suggestion that was mentioned that settled best with me was Fingerprints. I am in hopes of finding someone who will assist me so I can take a photograph and then submit both poems and the story to a couple women's magazine for consideration and publication. For now, I hope you will find something in my meager words.


I polished the brass today
and the glass I did clean
then I turned, seeking prints
and eyes smiling with a gleam
instead I was looking through
my spotless window glass
and perfectly waxed is
my antiqued knobs of brass
I scrubbed and I scoured
my many pots and pans
wishing they could just once be
drums for tiny, happy hands
down upon my hands and knees
cleaning to shine my tiled floor
but in my mind it should be
adventures for you to explore
I dusted off all the wood
returning the threaded sheen
longing for tiny fingerprints
but only dust was to be seen.

Alone I sit lamenting
deafened by the sound of my tears
wanting the pain to go way
trying to drown my many fears
all my life held one goal
a mama I was to be
running, laughing and playing
with more than just two or three
but, alas, the fates they stepped in
and dreams cannot come true
I searched and tried to reason
because I really wanted you
there was no easy way
but I searched and tried to find
the choice that I had to keep
to only you I have been kind
never will of my belly grow
to give you your first home
my loving arms will never hold
a baby all my own
my breasts will never know
a tiny suckling babe
try as I can, dreams of my heart
those memories will never fade.

June 18 2009
© DL Bach